I was awoken from a strange dream and found myself in a land of sweltering heat and amidst the sound of rolling waves and obnoxious birds. And as the sun beat down upon my brow I was reminded why I came here. Yes, I have a mission: this calling. My sore forearms are a painful portend for what awaits me this night. The smell of sweat still lingers; it stings the nostrils. These calloused fingertips arch up to my eyes as if drunkenly saying the rousing din of the crowd will not be satiated for many moons more. The appetite of this land has yet to be quenched so I carry on in my lurid fashion till the contract is up. Thus continues the Legend of Cancun.
When I stepped foot on this foreign soil I had nothing to protect myself from the treacherous terrain, the marauding band of glassy-eyed lechers, or the poison that masquerades as food. These things mean to keep me from my mission.
My first order of business was to find a weapon. When this thing started all I had was a butter knife and a napkin. I knew as the lechers attacked I would need to be able to defend myself. I found an old fireman’s station housed with supplies. Ah, a fire axe. Just what I’ll need to break down doors and hack away at my enemies. Now to look for pesos to bribe my way around and to buy supplies from burned out vending machines.
Even with my fire axe in hand I knew that I would need a stronger weapon. Not only do I need the Master Bass but I also need protection from my environment. I only have my Psychedelic Shirt which guards me from blinding lights. I need the Saffire Vest to defend myself against the coming onslaught and the Ruby Leggings to be able to move quicker. But to find these items will be no easy task.
I must travel to the Mystic Fountain and talk to the Mist Mage and offer her gallons of Mango Juice to secure my ruby raiment.
But how to get there?
The land is vast and wide. It stretches far in every direction. It’s easy to get lost and in these travels one gets weary.
I often have to forage through abandoned suit cases for sustenance. Fortunately throughout my travels there are Health and Stamina receptacles. Sometimes they’ll have an apple and sometimes they’ll have a flower which will allow me to regain a bit of my Stage Magic.
Because in this land and on this journey having Stage Magic is just as important as your Health meter.
In my journey to the Mystic Fountain I had to pass underneath the Glass Bridge of Chihuly. It was a treacherous journey in that every step could cut up my tootsies some kind of badly. Don’t be mesmerized by the beauty of this Glass Bridge for it often leads travelers into a false sense of security and will mess them up all kinds of awful. Woe to the weary foot soldier that wanders from the path towards the Mystic Fountain for Yo Yo Wraiths await.
The Yo Yo Wraith of Denham waits for the unsuspecting journeyman to make a wrong turn. His thirst for people’s desire for fame and glory will cause him to pounce and drain their energy within an inch of their life. Be leary of the Yo Yo Wraith and stay the course.
I was true on my path and I found the Saffire Vest and the Ruby Leggings. But I realized if I were to finish my quest in Cancun I would need the Bedazzled Hat of Horrors.
What a surprise it was to see that once I came to the Merchant of Horrors that there were two hats to choose from. If I chose wisely I would gain immeasurable power. If I chose poorly I would die immediately, the quest would be unsaved, and I would have to start all over again from the beginning.
Lucky for me I was really good at tossing coins and chose wisely.
Now, my journey was complete and I could flourish on stage with all my magic.
The lechers and patrons alike would rejoice and finally be fulfilled in their thirst for excitement and awe.
