The Top 10 Musicians To Have With You During The Zombie Apocalypse

               The Zombie Apocalypse.  We’ve all thought about it.  We’ve all dreamed it would happen.  And if there’s anything we’ve learned from watching all the movies about a zombie uprising it’s that the surviving members of society will somehow find each other, band together, and persevere until the ending credits roll.   These rag tag ensembles that cultivate together in isolated pockets of the country can easily ensure your success of survival or spell out your doom.

That is, if you can find them.    

So let’s just assume a zombie outbreak has happened, the electricity is off, highways are clogged with cars, houses and businesses are burned, grocery stores are emptied out, etc.  It all went down and basically you survived.  Congratulations!  Good for you!  But you’re not alone.  Oh no, there are others like you out there.  And what a happy sight it is when you come across a living person’s face.

This is where it all begins.  One minute you’re looking for a pair of roller skates that fit you in an abandoned Skate City and the next minute you’re making nice with someone you’d normally never hang out with, much less be caught dead around (get it?).  Now the two of you can go on together, defend each other, watch each other’s back, and then maybe run across some other survivors.

And look no further than the formulaic casting of such successful television shows like ABC’s “Lost” or AMC’s “The Walking Dead” to know who you need in your group.  Every ensemble needs a vital piece of the puzzle for the group to persevere.  Think “Gilligan’s Island” if those castaways were trying to sail away from a horde of hungry zombies.

You have to find a doctor, a cop, a bad ass hot girl, a girl next door, a nerd, a tough guy, someone that’s unpredictable, and sometimes you need a musician.

It’s like that scene in Kevin Costner’s 1997 super-hit “The Postman” when he runs across Tom Petty.  He says, “Hey, I know you…you’re…famous.”
And Tom Petty responds with something along the lines of, “leave me alone, kid. I just wanna buy a cup of coffee.”
Or something like that.  I haven’t seen the movie in a long time but he said something incredulous.

Or how about during Stephen King’s “The Stand” when the group gets a rock star among them.  But for some reason no one could really remembers him (Larry Underwood) or what he did. They just kind of knew they knew him from somewhere.  Even when he showed up in Las Vegas there wasn’t one person that yelled “Hey, you’re that guy that wrote ‘Baby, Can You Dig Your Man’.”

But who would be the best musicians to help your group in a zombie apocalypse.  Well, let’s see.

#10 – Scott Ian

Scott Ian of Anthrax is, from what I can tell, not only a level headed guy but can also be the wild card of the bunch.  He’s the guy that’s cool under pressure but when the shit goes down you know you can count on him to crack a few softened zombie skulls.  Every interview I’ve ever seen of Scott Ian has been of a cool guy that was funny and personable.  And isn’t that the kind of guy you’d want around?  You don’t want some belligerent asshole causing problems and refusing to pull their own weight.  No, Ian’s the kind of guy that would lug around a heavy backpack all day and if some lady that found her way on the team was dragging behind he’d offer to carry some of her stuff so she could catch up.

Not only that, but Ian seems like a loyal guy that wouldn’t sell out the team’s location if captured by that inner city group of ruffians hell bent on taking over the power plant.  He’s been in Anthrax since 1981.  Yeah, he’s been a part of that group longer than most musicians today have been alive.

You want to know something else?  He’s 49 years old and he still looks like he’s 30.  So he’s got road experience behind him but the genetics of Methuselah.  It’s like he has youth on his side but the work experience of a Florida retiree.  He’s been at it for a long time; imagine the stories this guy can tell around the camp fire (p.s. don’t build a camp fire. It only attracts the dead).

Scott Ian’s great.  He seems like he’d blend in with the crowd and not create a lot of waves in the group but about 2 months in you start to realize that, “hey, this guy with the weird beard is really good at throwing an axe and hitting the mark every time.  What band did you say he used to play for?”

Scott Ian would also be the guy that would always help out when you had to make a quick run to the store for supplies.  You know you have to bring a couple of people with you in case you encounter some “stinkers” (that’s what we call zombies over here) and Ian would always be like, “hold up, guys. I’ll go with you.”
“Cool.  Thanks, Scott.  By the way, maybe we can find you a new shirt instead of that Public Enemy one you’re always wearing.”

 

#9 – Justin Bieber

Remember that scene in “The Walking Dead” where Shane and Otis are trying to bring back supplies to the group but are overrun with zombies and Shane has to wound Otis just enough so the zombies eat him and Shane can get away?

Cause that’s why you need someone like Justin Bieber around.

Bait.

Look, imagine you’re walking with your group of friends down a deserted downtown area of a city.  Then some girl or boy (it’s hard to tell with all that makeup on) comes running out of a hotel all excited to see you,

At first you have no idea if it’s Rachel Maddow or Justin Bieber but he’s quick to confirm his identity.

“Oh my god, I’m so glad to see people. I’m celebrity teen heart throb Justin Bieber and I haven’t seen anyone around in weeks.  Can I join you guys?”
“Uh, yeah, sure.  Why don’t you go upstairs and get your stuff and come on back down.”

Then as he goes up stairs to get his bag of awards and hair gel and your second-in-command turns to you and says, “dude, let’s just ditch him and get out of here.”

You’ll sound like a genius when you tell him, “look, I don’t like her any more than you…but if we get in a pinch we can always get away while the zombies are eating him….or her….whatever.”
“That’s a good idea.  I miss Steak N’ Shake.”
“I know.  We all do.”

 

#8 – Jordan Rudess

Every group could benefit with having a technical genius.  You need to have that one guy around that knows how to tap into a power grid, make a bomb out of Hershey bars and kerosene, and how to rig boobie traps for intruders.

What better musician to have around than Jordan Rudess of Dream Theater.  This is a guy that figured out how to stream line his keyboard structure of sounds using blended setups and a foot controller to cycle through what he needed per song.  While most keyboardists use multiple keyboards to get their sounds Rudess applied the available technology offered in the Kurzweil K2600 keyboard to sample other keyboard sounds and combine them all in one workstation.

As a keyboardist myself I took the same path with my Kurzweil K2500S, and to this day whenever I see someone using multiple keyboards I never quite understand why they have so many when they can do all that stuff with a single Kurzweil.   I figured out how to change all the band members’ sound patches on their MIDI effects units, change the my vocal harmonizer patches in real time, run a click track, run a sequencer, and turn my other gear on and off…all at the same time.  And all of this was inspired by Jordan Rudess was doing with his stage gear.

But it doesn’t end there.  Rudess has moved on to the Korg flagship Kronos model keyboard set up, as well as using an iPad on stage with an app he helped develop.  Along with the Haken Continuum, a Zen Riffer keytar, and a Harpejji, Jordan Rudess has really taken the role of the keyboardist and propelled it further than most, if not all, other keyboardists out there currently.

You’d probably ask, “well, if you’re going to choose some technical wizard then why wouldn’t you go with Tom Morello.”  Look, would you really want to spend day-in and day-out with Tom Morello as he waxes on pontificating about his political ideas and all the protests he’s helped stage?  Ugh, maybe I should change who I picked for #9.

 

#7 – Bruce Dickenson

The reason why I chose Bruce Dickenson for number 7 is because he has a very specific skill that could either save everyone’s lives or be of absolute no help at all.  Seriously, he could be the guy that delivers everyone to Eden or the guy that just gets in the way and gets himself locked in a freezer somewhere.

You see, Bruce Dickenson can fly a plane.

“So what,” you might say.  So what?…so what?

Let’s say your group has been walking for days and you have Bruce Dickenson with you.  You’re first objective should be to get to an international airport.  And I understand that most planes would have probably taken off and all the international airports are going to be abandoned.  In a zombie apocalypse I’m willing to bet that some rich people out there are going to bribe a pilot to fly them overseas.  But maybe…just maybe, there will be a plane left.  And maybe…oh, just maybe, you can get on that plane, gas it up, and fly to some other land that has yet to become overrun by the zombies.

And you’re probably saying, “well, Chris Degarmo of Queensryche is also a pilot.”

Is he?  Take a look at Chris DeGarmo then look at Bruce Dickenson.  Have you seen Dickenson’s legs?  That guy would be able to kick in a zombie skull, no problem.  So Dickenson has the one-two punch: he’s a pilot and he can help out dispatching the undead horde.

 

#6 – Till Lindemann

Look, the odds of you finding a plane are slim.  So what you really need to have around is a guy that’s big, strong, imposing to outsiders, and would be great with melee weapons.

This is where Till Lindemann comes in handy.  Lindeman is a big guy and able to pull a lot of weight when you have to push a heavy car out of the way.  Need a manhole cover removed so you can go underground, call on Till.  Need a zombies head taken off with one swing of a fire axe, go find Till.  Need a locked door kicked down to access the hotel kitchen, again, I would call on Till.  He also doesn’t shy away from pain.

Lindeman is known for banging his fist on his knee during concerts and in videos.  This actually derived from him having a bad knee from his days as a swimmer.  He’d sometimes have to bang his knee cap back into place during shows.  The band thought it looked cool, so it stuck.

When fronted with the idea to light a bulb on the inside of his mouth he had two options: a) run a wire into his mouth from the corner of his lips, or b) poke a hole in your cheek and run the wire directly in that way.

He chose to poke a hole into his cheek.

But before he was in Rammstein he worked as a carpenter’s apprentice.  So pair him up with Jordan Rudess and you’ve got quite the mad scientist operation going.  And having a carpenter on board that knows how to make walls, add a joist, or secure a perimeter would be a huge help.

“Don’t use those types of nails to barricade the doors.  They won’t hold up to all the zombie fist pounding.”  Thanks, Till.

And what’s one thing that zombies and mummies all hate?

Fire.

Did you know that Till Lindeman was a qualified pyrotechnician.  It’s true.  This is a guy that uses flame thrower gauntlets, a flame throwing cross bow, a flame thrower mask, and performs an entire song with a metal coat alight with flames.  He’s the Sherman Tank of your operation.  He’s literally the closest thing to a fire breathing dragon you’re ever going to come by.  Give him an extra slice of pizza; he earned it.

 

#5 – Matt Barlow

In a horrible post-apocalyptic situation what does every ensemble need: a police officer.

Having a police officer around is ubiquitous in story lines like this.  He’s the voice of authority, the guy with the gun, or…he could be the enemy, your warden, the loose cannon that has finally cracked under pressure.

Matt Barlow quit Iced Earth back n 2003 to become a police officer in Delaware.  This means he’s primed up and trained to deal with zombies. What else could it mean?  He’s been trained to shoot a variety of weapons, to fight, and how to drive a car to pursue criminals.

Translation, he’s been trained to dispatch zombies using whatever weapons that can be found, and when that ammo runs out he can turn off their lights via hand-to-hand combat, but when the shit really goes down and we all have to get away he can pilot the car around the countless undead horde that’s swarming the camp.

A lot of groups need that one authority figure to bring everyone together, to rally the troops, to have someone to rely on.  Police officers are natural at this in times of crisis.  Even though during a zombie apocalypse it doesn’t matter if someone is a police officer or a mall cop; you don’t really have to listen to them.  However, they’re trained for this type of thing.  They know how to deal with a mass of rioters, they know how to take on more than one person, they know take-down maneuvers; they know investigation techniques and how to get info out of people.  Man, they even know what to expect in how the enemy operates (in case you want to take over that mall you’ve had your eye on).

Police officers can bring stability to your group.  That is to say, if you get the right one and not some nut job like Chris Dorner.

 

#4 – Ted Nugent

Alright, look, if you think Tom Morello would be annoying to be around than I can only imagine the frustration of having Ted Nugent to deal with.

We get it, you’ve got a lot of bravado and you think you’re the best.  Got it.

However, keep in mind that we currently live in a microwave dinner society of easy access and instant gratification.  Once all the food is gone from the grocery stores and you’ve pilfered all the homes in the neighborhoods you’ve run across you’ll need to know how to actually survive in the wild: how to hunt, fish, trap, and all the while being silent.  There’s no better musician out there right now to teach you this than Uncle Ted.

It might be great to have a cop but when you’ve got a survivalist like Ted around you not only get a guy that’s good with a gun but a guy that knows how to catch and gut food.

Do you know how to gut a deer?  I don’t.  But with Ted around for a little while not only will I learn how to shoot a variety of weapons, but how to hunt and trap them as well.  And isn’t that one character trait that keeps contestants on CBS’s “Survivor” show?  The guy that knows how to fish and cook sticks around even though the weaker team mates hold him as a “threat.”
“I know Steve has been catching fish for all of us but I just think he’s a threat and should go soon rather than later in the game cause he’ll just be too hard to beat in the end when we’re all voting.”

So whatever beef you might have with Ted Nugent at least keep him around to pick his brain about hunting, weaponry, and stories of tour life before the zombies get around to picking his brain.

(Get it?)

 

#3 – David Lee Roth

It seems like the higher we get on the list the more we get to people that have personality traits normally abhorrent in a prolonged social climate.  But it just goes to show how important learning how to hunt/fish, how to use weapons, and how to be physically fit really is when a zombie apocalypse goes down.  It also goes to show that the crazier you are the more likely people will want you around if you have redeeming qualities.  Think of House from “House M.D.” or the Pink Ranger from “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.”

There’s one vital person we have to have in our group though: The Doctor.

At least a nurse.  Hell, anyone that knows how to dress a wound would be great.

Well, David Lee Roth is a trained EMT, and back in the early days of Van Halen Roth worked as a hospital orderly.   His father was a well respected surgeon so he has been around that medical environment quite a bit.  Every survival horror situation needs a doctor among the group, kind of like Sarah Polly’s character in the remake of “Dawn of the Dead.”  I mean, why else would you want Sarah Polley around if she weren’t a nurse?

But not only does David Lee Roth bring his medical training to the table.  Have you seen the guy do spin kicks?  He’s like a rock & roll Jet Li.  Slap on some pull saws at the bottom of his shoes and you’ve got yourself a mean gauze wrapping, splint making, scalp lopping frontman on you posse.

 

#2 – The Blue Man Group

The Blue Men are humanoid figures from somewhere else that don’t speak and don’t understand technology.  What else do you need to know?  They’re perfect to team up with.

If you handed a Blue Man your cell phone they would just look at it in wonder.  They’ve never used cellphones or iPads or walkie-talkies or even a computer for that matter.  They communicate with facial expressions.  This means they won’t get the zombies attention to your location.  They won’t miss the constant barrage of technology we’ve become so dependent upon these days.  They’ll adapt to the threat and figure out a simple way to move past.

They seem like non-violent entities.  When you give them some PVC pipe they’ll make musical instruments out of it.  When you give them paint they’ll make spin art.  When you give them marshmallows they’ll make a sculpture.  They’re very creative beings. So I’m thinking if you put them in a hostile environment and give them some tools, material, and time, they’ll come up with some ingenious way to dispatch the undead.  Maybe give them a car bumper, a paint can, some roofing nails, and napalm and they’ll come up with an awesome lacrosse style slingshot of flaming death.

If a Blue Man is starving they’ll probably figure out that you can make soup out of tree roots and algae.  It won’t be tasty but you can assuredly get whatever you want if you point them in the right direction.

Also, the Blue Men aren’t human but human-like…much like a zombie is no longer human.  I’m thinking you could maybe set three Blue Men out on patrol and they could smash a group of 50 zombies in the head using just an old surround sound speaker and a rope.  The zombies wouldn’t even fight back.  It’s like you have a trio of stealthy ninjas that invent food, games, musical instruments, and weapons of mass destruction.

My suggestion to you during a zombie apocalypse: head to Las Vegas and pick up three Blue Men for your gang.

 

#1 – Josh Groban

Think of every horror movie you’ve ever seen and remember who the last person was to be left standing.

The nerd always dies, the hot chick always dies, the jock always dies, the do-gooder always dies, the doctor always dies, the alpha male hunter-type always days.  But who is left standing in the muck, huffing and puffing, holding the killing weapon, standing over the body of what personifies the unstoppable force?  It’s the girl/boy next door.

And that’s Josh Groban.  He’s a little goofy and has done some funny things on TV but he’s not nerdy goofy.  He’s the kind of goofy that makes you want to hang out with him because he’s not obnoxious or overbearing.  He’s young but he’s not too young.  So he has some life experience behind him but not too old to lose his breath if he has to run for it.  He’s the kind of guy that is in the background the whole time that you never think of but when the time comes he steps it up a notch and the inner warrior comes out.

Look at the original “Evil Dead.”  When you saw this for the first time you probably were thinking that Scotty or one of the girls would be the last one standing.  But who stepped it up and ascended to iconic status in the horror genre?

It was Ash.  (spoiler alert).

It was Ash all along; standing in the background while his friends got killed one by one.  Eventually he’d had enough and took proactive measures to stop whatever evil forces were out to get him and his friends.  How he was going to explain this to the rest of his college buddies and the parents of his dead friends we’ll never know. But he was the one that bucked it up and took care of business.

And what about Glenn from “The Walking Dead”?  Here’s a character that was also in the background doing what he was told by the cop and the alpha males.  But then he gets a girl he likes and ramps up his manly side.  He became a fearless and asskicking guy’s guy that is ready to perform the duties of a leader.

Typically horror movies end with what’s been called the “last girl.”  And the “last girl” is just what it says, she’s the last girl to survive and make it through the ordeal relatively unscathed.  There have been a few movies where the guy and the girl both survive or sometimes, like in the Evil Dead (spoiler alert), where just the guy survives.  But they all have that boy/girl-next-door quality to them all the while harboring an inner strength that just doesn’t translate well to the “other abilities” section in job applications.

Josh Groban not only has this subtle personality trait that is time-tested through all of cinema but he is also a great singer, piano player, drummer, keyboardist, and probably a bunch of other stuff.

This whole list brings me down to one important culture gift that has to be passed down when generations have been wiped out: the gift of translating music from one person to the next.

I can’t imagine what better person to have on the road with me than someone that can belt out an amazing version of “Vincent (Starry Starry Night)” when things are calm, or “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Dreaming” when your gang reaches a vast landscape and you can feel safe for a while.  How about when Christmas rolls around and he can cheer everyone up with one of his numbers from his “Noel” album.  Holy shit, I’d protect that guy’s voice with my life.
“Alright, let’s go kill all those zombies.  Josh, you stay back here and warm up those pipes for when we get back.”

But you’re probably saying, “well, Josh would maybe last till the end but wouldn’t everyone else be dead.”

No, you silly goose.  Zombies aren’t real and we never have to worry about a Zombie Apocalypse because that would be ridiculous.

That’s it.

 

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J. Lamm