I used to be a huge Harry Potter fan. Huge. I’ve read through all the books several times while drinking my own brew of butterbeer; I’ve seen all the movies countess times while playing my Harry Potter drinking game (take a shot every time Draco annoys me or when Emma Watson overacts); I even wrote a whole planetarium show devoted to illustrating how certain character names within the Potterverse, and their lore, originated in astronomy. I’ve always said that the movies and books helped me through a divorce by giving me something to look forward to on a nightly basis. I have, indeed, devoted too much time in the Harry Potter world as a man approaching middle age.
But all that changed recently when I slowly started to realize that the Wizards in the world of the Harry Potter universe are actually just a bunch of self-serving assholes.
Because when you think about it, the Potterverse is supposed to exist in our world—the real world—where all our current problems still exist. In the books, Harry Potter escapes off to Hogwarts to learn all about how to properly be a wizard, while back home everyone else still has to deal with climate change, rumblings in politics, terrorism, murders, child abductions, and the further decline of pop music. Harry drops out of public school at the age of eleven to go off to another school that has nothing to do with actual practical knowledge. At Hogwarts there’s no mention of algebra, physical education, science, spelling, or grammar. It’s all about how to make your life easy by the wave of a wand.
Instead of completing his academics and maybe going on to become a chemical engineer, architect, or entrepreneur, Harry learns how to ignite candles without the use of matches. Good life decision, Harry.
Currently there’s a lot of discussion in the news about nationalism and immigration, protecting borders, building walls, keeping people out, shutting people in, etc. etc. Are the changing policies on immigration moral or wrong? Should we be so stridently vetting every immigrant that wants to come in? Should we be interfering in the affairs of other countries? And within this debate, where does author J.K. Rowling stand? Well, there’s no better sample group that supports an insular lifestyle and philosophy than the Wizards of Potterverse.
In the Potter books you’ve got a group of people with magical abilities that think they’re so special they have to call anyone that doesn’t have magical powers “muggles.” This phrase is used freely in their society and can also be used in the pejorative with just a minor adjustment in tone. It’s kind of like how people refer to Jews. You know, there’s a difference in how one would say, “My mom would really like to see me marry a Jew” to “I can’t believe Brian married a Jew.” That’s the same way wizards use the phrase “muggle.” And no one brings this up. No one brings up that Wizards walk around talking down to people who are still in the overwhelming majority?
I’ve got news for you, dick. YOU’RE the weirdo. You’re the one born with some defect that lets you thwart the laws of physics. The rest of us had to invent electricity, rocket fuel, and a place to use sine, cosine, and tangent.
Yeah, so these Wizards obviously didn’t want to exist in a society with these filthy muggles so they walled off a place for themselves and created their own society. Kinda like a magical version of Wakanda—but with an economic system based on capitalism and not being lucky enough to have a meteorite land in your backyard that’s filled with precious minerals you can exploit.
The Wizards in Potterverse not only bar the outside world from coming into their domain but they also don’t regard individual or public rights to property outside their imagined jurisdiction. When the Quidditch World Cup went down they decided to have it held in the country where anyone could normally walk into and enjoy. So, to keep these pesky muggles out, they drew magical enchantments all over the place that would make the wayward muggle think they had forgotten something, turning them around.
This anti-inclusive nature of the Wizards is often justified by them when they say that, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘ if the rest of the world knew that there were wizards they would constantly be annoying us to solve their problems.’
Constantly annoying them to solve our problems.
I’m sure they’re thinking about car troubles and shoddy TV sets.
Nope, not really. Here’s a list of some of the world’s most pressing problems that the Wizards within Potterverse damn well know exists but do nothing to help out on.
1) Lack of clean water in under-developed countries.
Make no mistake about it, there are areas on Earth where people simply don’t have clean, drinkable water. Oh my, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just wave a wand and make all that 
go away? Well, they can. It’s a charm called “Aguamenti.” This water making spell conjures clean, drinkable water from the end of the wand. Fleur Delacour used this during the Tri-Wizard tournament and of course Harry Potter used this when trying to fill the crystal goblet in the Crystal Cave for Dumbledore. So yeah, it wouldn’t take much for a couple of Volunteer Wizards to station themselves in a dirty old village and fill up a water tower once every 6 months. I mean, would it kill them to do that?
Is the smile and gratitude of a thirsty child not good enough for them?
No, let people drink dirty ditch water and contract dysentery because Plebius Pennyfeather, Wizard of the First Order, has to darn his knickers that week and can’t be bothered. Wizards are assholes.
2) Lack of food
People are living longer and the population is steadily growing. We, as a people, must 
address this growing concern. On top of that, there are still areas of the world which suffer from lack of access to food. If only there was a way that someone could take a small batch of food that could feed one person and engorge it to a huge degree so it might feed scores of people. Oh, wait, there is. It’s called the Engorgement Charm.
This charm is said to be safe to use on animals and vegetation but there is a point to where the engorgement will make the subject explode if made too big. Hagrid has been known to use engorgement charms on pumpkins, and the fake Moody used it to enlarge a few spiders.
So, yeah. You could take a meager food supply and enlarge it to feed a huge chunk of people. Problem solved. And it could probably be done by the same wizard filling up those water tanks in the neighboring village.
Got some bananas? Boom, enorgio charm enacted and one banana could feed a household along with a super-sized portion of bread and ridiculously large giraffe antler kabobs.
But no, the wizards in Harry Potter’s world are too busy rigging their houses to do the dishes automatically so they’ll have enough time to practice broom riding. Wizards are god damn assholes.
3) Government Corruption and Accountability
Those damn politicians are always up to something, aren’t they? They’re either blaming the Russians, covering up their paper trail of collusion, or covering up the interns they killed.
There should be an agreement when you become a public servant: you are subject to 
Veritaserum when and if you are ever accused of something untoward. Ah, Veritaserum. This powerful truth serum effectively forces the drinker to answer truthfully any questions put to them. Though it is like a polygraph test, it wouldn’t be admissible in court. However, this serum is far more reliable than a polygraph test and could be used as strong circumstantial evidence. It could even be used for the following…
4) Terrorism can be solved with Divination and Veritaserum. Gone will be the days of torture to gain information for the old ticking timebomb scenario. If a known terrorist is ever captured and we need information on the whereabouts of his other accomplices and/or the location of a future target then Veritaserum would be a far better technique to get this information. Even though Divination would be an unreliable technique, it’s better than nothing. Too bad though. We could live in a world where terrorism has been quelled but wizards are fucking assholes.
5) Homelessness
Two words: Charmed Tents.
Remember when the gang went to see the Quidditch World Cup on that publicly owned land that was illegally being used? Everyone was staying in Charmed Tents.
These tents look like normal tents but when you go inside they have a huge layout. There’s a kitchen, a dining room table, places to sleep, and plenty of room for your gutterpunk dog Trasheap to run and play.
Not a lot is known about Charmed Tents. In fact, when the gang went to the World Cup they were actually staying in someone else’s tent Mr. Weasley had borrowed. So it could be argued that the tents have to be furnished for real by the tent’s owner. Be that as it may, the tents are still roomy. Even if there’s nothing in them, magical tents that would keep hobos out of the cold would be a welcome addition to the world. I mean, what if the tents could be used for a homeless shelter? Just pass out some charmed tents and let the hobos roam free instead of sleeping under bridges.
Oh well, too bad wizards are assholes.
6) Natural Disasters
I believe many of the disasters that nature throws our way could be thwarted or ameliorated with the help of magical powers of arcane origin.
Is there flooding? Just gather a bunch of wizards around to lift that lake up and put it back where it belongs. Was there a tornado and you lost all your stuff? Well, get a wizard that knows that trick Dumbledore and Slughorn did when they had to put that disheveled house back in order. Just do it on a grander scale. Don’t tell me you can’t do that to an entire city.
Hey, even if there’s wild fires. The Aqua Eructo is a charm used to expel a jet of water, used to extinguish fires.
Let me just rattle off a list of other things Wizards could easily make better for the world outside their isolation bubble. How about global health concerns? These could be solved with mass manufacturing of potions like Skelegrow (to regrow bones) and remedies to cure the common cold. When’s the last time you saw or read about a character in the Potterverse that had the sniffles? No one. Not one sick day was taken in all the years at Hogwarts.
Crime. It’s hard to say how wizards would solve crime but one thing is for sure, Wizards can definitely make the prison population smaller. They can easily transform all inmates into rats and then these smaller incarcerated creatures could be stored in a much smaller area, eat less food, and learn a valuable lesson while paying their debt to society. Remember when the fake Moody transformed Draco into a ferret? Same principle but more long term.
Got somebody about to jump off a bridge? Arresto Momentum. Solved.
Did a baby fall down a well? Ascendio. Taken care of.
Does someone need to be put to death in a humane yet uniquely vengeful way? Avada Kedavra. Done.
Now I hope you read the books or watch the movies and think about all this. Think about this the next time you see Luna Lovegood fix Harry’s broken nose with the wave of her wand, the next time Hermione opens a locked door with a simple spell, or the next time food magical appears on the Dining Hall tables. Think about how all this cool magic that can easily be performed by pre-teens could be applied on a global scale and try not to think about just how much wizards are assholes.
