I’ve been seeing an uncomfortable amount of people losing the thread of what it is to be an adult these days. Have you noticed that more and more people are going to the movie theater with their favorite pillow, blankey, towel, and/or teddy bear? Seriously, people are doing this now. This upcoming generation is so addicted to be cozy comfy that they can’t be bothered to even dress like an adult when leaving their house. I see more people in public wearing their jammies while out grocery shopping, getting on planes with their comfort animals, and hiding away into their designated safe spaces because they can’t handle the cruel, cruel world outside.
They haven’t been raised right. They have it too easy. They are losing the traditions and fundamental traits of manhood. So, here’s my list of what I think every man needs to know, learn, and work on to achieve optimal manhood.
1) Change a Tire
Every man needs to know how to change a tire. That’s all there is to it. If you get stranded on the side of the road because you don’t know the basics of changing a tire then I don’t know what to tell you. You’re doing it all wrong. You weren’t raised right.
Know where your spare tire is located. Know how to get that spare tire out. Know where your jack is. Know where the wrench is. If you don’t even know where this stuff is located then what kind of a man are you? Learn how to change a tire, god dammit.
2) Tie a tie
Look, tying a tie is easy. If you can tie your shoe laces you can learn how to tie a tie. And you don’t even have to be fancy about it. How many knot variations are there these days? Who cares? Each man needs to know how to at least tie a basic Windsor Knot. This is as basic as it gets to ties, the Windsor Knot.
If you have to go over to your buddy’s house to have him tie your neck-tie before an event, then you weren’t raised right. Learn how to tie a tie, weirdo.
3) Mix at least two cocktails
You’ve got to learn how to make at least two basic cocktails: one for guys, one for girls.
For guys, my suggestion to you would be to learn how to make a basic Manhattan cocktail. It’s simple: whiskey, vermouth, bitters, done. You don’t even need a garnish.
For girls, I’d say learn how to make a Tequila Sunrise. Tequila, orange juice, grenadine. That’s it.
Learn how to make a couple of cocktails and whenever you go to a party you can throw together something simple and look like a sophisticated gent.
4) Know how to make a basic breakfast
Guys who can’t make food for themselves are pathetic. Every guy needs to learn how to make bacon w/eggs and toast. Learn how to prepare your pan and/or hotplate. Know to make the bacon first so that you can use the grease to fry the eggs. Top it off with toast. That’s it. I’ll go ahead and add that you’ve got to know how to make coffee as well. Don’t just plop a filter into the coffee machine and start pouring in grounds. It’s one tablespoon per cup of coffee that you want to make. It’s that simple. Know this.
5) Throw a punch
Every guy needs to learn how to throw a punch and where to land it. Here’s a lesson that every father needs to teach their son:
When some jackass is giving you a hard time in school and it gets to the point where they’re physically bullying you, ball up your five fingers and punch them in the nose as hard as you can. Harder than you’re comfortable with. Two things will either happen. One, the punched kid will start crying and will leave you alone for the rest of his life; two, even if he doesn’t cry and he kicks your ass, you’ve just proven yourself to be too difficult to deal with and the bully will move on to someone else.
The thing with guys is that if a bully gets punched by the person he’s trying to push around, then the next day they’ll be best friends. Guys are weird like that.
6) Know how to treat a lady
I don’t give a damn about what Social Justice Warriors are currently whining about. Every guy needs to treat a lady a certain way. Maybe this is just being a Southern Gentleman but, for me, it’s essential in separating the boys from the men.
Hold the door open for a lady. Now, there are some general rules to this. Don’t run up on a woman and overtake her just to open the door. But if you’re both getting to the door at the same time, open the door for her. It should also be noted that you’re holding the door open for someone and they’re so far away from the door that they have to run to get to the door cause they feel like their inconveniencing YOU because you’re holding the door open for so long—then you’re an asshole. Don’t stand with a door open for a whole minute just cause you want to look like a gentleman. But if you’re on a date with some girl you should never walk in front of her—walk side by side, and hold the door open when the time comes. Same goes for when you let her in your car. Open the car door for her.
That being said, always buy her flowers on her birthday and Valentine’s day, and then randomly throughout the year. Nothing says thought-that-counts then buying your girlfriend flowers just cause it’s a random Wednesday.
And always let her order first if at a restaurant. If the waiter comes over and asks if you’re ready to order and the dude starts yapping about what he wants…that guy’s an ass. The lady orders first.
Speaking of date night, don’t eat until she gets her food. Sometimes you’ll be at a restaurant and the waiter will bring out a salad that came with your entree but she didn’t get a salad. Then what do you do? Talk to her as she waits for her food to come out. If she says, “eat your salad” cause you’re sitting there like a fool then eat your salad while she drinks her drink.
Also, always compliment her on how she looks. She didn’t get dressed up and put makeup on for her neighbors, she did that for you.
7) Jump start a car
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a guy by his car at some grocery store or something, stranded there cause his car battery is dead. Then when we go to jump start it, he doesn’t know what to do with the cables.
Here’s how: black wire/clamp goes to the negative; red wire/clamp goes to the positive. That’s it. The only other thing you need to know is to not touch the clamps together or sparks will shoot everywhere.
8) You gotta learn how to perform
If you’re licking it like a dog drinks from a hose then you’re doing it wrong. If you’re falling asleep right afterwards, you’re doing it wrong. If you only care about yourself and what the end game is for you, then your girl is going to go find someone else, drop you, or cheat on you.
Don’t copy what you see in pornos; most of that is for show. Have an actual conversation with each other so you can learn what each other likes and dislikes.
My way of thinking is that the first time should be a test for each others’ chemistry. See how the two of you mesh without knowing what each other likes or dislikes. If you’ve got decent chemistry initially then you can only go up from there. Just don’t be one of these dorks that wants to get off then get back to playing video games.
9) Know how to swing a hammer
If you can’t fix basic things around the house then what are you good for?
You gotta know how to hang a painting, fix a drawer, lube a noisy hinge, and even how to flip a breaker. But if you can’t swing a hammer to hit a nail then you’re just…you’re just off. Holy shit, you have to know how to at least hold a hammer so it looks like you know what you’re doing.
10) Learn how to lift things
Look here, I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a guy try to dead lift something with just their back. I don’t understand how guys get through life without knowing the basics of leverage.
People think that I’m really strong. I’m not. I just understand leverage. Lift with your legs and use parts of your body to carry weight that doesn’t require muscle. Use the crock of your arm at your elbow to support the weight of a folding table you have to carry. Use your thigh muscles instead of your back when pulling a furniture dolly up stairs.
11) Speaking in public
You know where I’m going with this. It’s a common saying that fear of public speaking is greater than the fear of death. This is bullshit. Public speaking isn’t hard whatsoever. People are mostly worried about stammering, losing their place, or generally not holding themselves like John F. Kennedy. You don’t have to be as eloquent as Sam Harris to deliver a speech. Odds are the majority of your public speaking will be at work. Whether it’s pitching an idea or giving a full-on speech, it doesn’t matter. If you pay attention to how other people give a public address, you’ll see that they too will flub a line. Just move on. Make a conscious effort to speak slow and clear, work on projecting your voice, and look over the heads of the people in the crowd (it will still look like you’re looking at them).
12) Shake hands like a man
I can’t stand it when I go to shake someone’s hand and they give me this limp wristed dead fish hand.
Do you have muscles in your hand? Then use them.
Don’t be one of these jerks that tries to break the other guy’s hand. Just get a firm handshake. Want to make a great first impression? Give a firm handshake with one pump. That’s it. Eye contact, firm handshake, one pump, disengage. Done.
13) The rest of the list
Those are my top items when it comes to being a man. But, of course, that’s not all. The following is a rapid fire list of other things that I deem to be essential in being a man. It’s kinda okay to not be great at all of these but it would certainly help.
Learn how to park a car and/or back up properly; know how to negotiate a price so you don’t get screwed by everyone that thinks you don’t know what you’re talking about; know how to sew because you need to fix your own buttons, pants, shirts, and even your woman’s stuff on occasion; how to break down a door (cause believe me, I’ve had to kick in a few doors in my time); know how to do a proper pull-up and a proper push-up; know how to drive in harsh weather conditions; know how to cook a steak; learn how to break in pool and how to play a round of poker; be well versed in shooting a gun; how to hush a crying baby; and finally, the art of communication: telling a story, cracking a joke, making small talk, and navigating through life with other people without acting like a dick.
