I’ve been on a couple of auditions now. And before every audition it’s the same thing: All the time leading up to the audition I feel great; I’m confident; I know the songs; this is going to work out fine. You got this, cowboy. But then it never fails – 30 minutes before the audition I start getting inside my own head. I start to psych myself out. “You know, I’ve been having problems with that one section. What if I fuck it up? If I fuck up that one part then they won’t hire me. I’m done. All it takes is one mistake.” Sure enough, fucking up an audition or fucking up a song on stage is a lot like getting piss shy. Piss shy is when you go to the restroom and just as your about to pee someone walks in to pee as well. Then you get all worked up because if they stand next to you it’s all awkward. Then you get “piss shy” because if they don’t hear you pissing then they’ll know you’re piss shy. So you try to force it out but that doesn’t work either. If you’re a guy you probably know what I’m talking about. Because this all stems from the same place: it’s all in your head.
Let me explain.
There’s a game I used to like to play where when I see a guy walking into a public restroom I like to follow them in to try and make them piss shy. Typically, for some guys, all it takes is the mere presence of another person in the restroom to make them piss shy. But I like to actually go to the urinal right next to them and take a leak before they do. You can hear when the person next to you can’t take a piss. It fucks up their day. As a guy, you can still feel the need to pee but nothing is coming out.
Just as a side note: My greatest achievement in this game was when I was at a metal concert and there was this band playing. The singer for this band goes to the restroom so, of course, I follow him in. They were a German band by the name of (look, I’ll disguise the name but it rhymes with…) Bangel Rust. Yes, so it was USA vs. Germany in a battle of pee. Who would come out victorious? Who would pee and finish first?
ME! That’s who!
Oh, it was a glorious day for the United States as Jay Lamm got to the urinal second, but managed to start peeing first, and then wrapped up the pee contest, shook it off, washed his hands, and went back to the concert in record time. Look, it’s silly, but I have fun.
But all things must come to an end.
The day came along where I started to psych MYSELF out. I started to think, “what if I got piss shy one day.” And sure enough, I was at work and I saw a guy going to the restroom right before me and the thought popped into my head, “I hope I don’t get piss shy.” That’s all it took, man. That one little seed of doubt was planted and then it all went downhill.
I became one of those guys.
And once that little bit of piss doubt gets in your head it’s hard to shake off. I’ve since developed a method of overcoming being piss shy in the throes of when it happens. I’ll talk about that later at the end if you’re interested.
But my point I’m getting at is that there is nothing wrong with me or you when you become piss shy. It’s all a mental thing. The same way when it comes to playing music on stage, recording a song and getting “red light syndrome,” or when it comes to doing an audition, these things are all mental hang-ups. It’s all in your head. You know how the song goes. You’ve played it before. There’s no reason to be nervous. You’ve gotta get out of your own head and be able to tell yourself, “I’ve played these songs a thousand times. This, right here, what’s about to go down, this is like every time I’ve played the song before.”
I remember the first time I auditioned for Cirque Du Soleil. The weeks leading up to my audition were fine. I wasn’t nervous at all. The drive up to the studio was fine. Wasn’t nervous at all. Then I saw the outside of the studio with the Cirque Du Soleil logo on it. I saw someone’s car outside that I knew was auditioning before me. I knew I still had 45 minutes before my time was to show up. So I got a coffee. And in that 30 minutes of waiting to show up I started to psych myself out.
There was a song that required pop/slap and I was using a new bass with a tighter string spacing. I had practiced the song so much that my index fingernail had begun to miss the space in between the strings and the higher string had been digging its way in between my finger and fingernail. It was quite painful. I was worried that I was going to do the same thing and miss a popped note. I knew that if I missed one note I was out.
I’m terrible at auditions. But the more I do it the more relaxed I get.
I just keep telling myself, “you’ve done these songs hundreds of times. You know how they go. Just listen to the music and enjoy yourself.”
And that’s what it takes.
Psyching yourself out is when you take yourself out of the moment, you get inside your own head, and then you become obsessed with the problem that you think exists. Your mind is no longer on Topic A but way over on Topic B.
I find I play better on stage, at auditions, and in the studio, when I’m listening to the music. All of the music: not just my bass guitar but also listening to the drums and the guitars and the keys. I have to go back to the way things were and start enjoying what I’m doing. Don’t worry about fucking up. Everyone fucks up.
Also, don’t become obsessed about what’s coming up. Only listen to what’s happening. The rest will come. If you concentrate too much on “oh shit, what’s the next part. What’s the next part?” Then you’re going to screw that next part up.
Have you ever tried to remember the words to a song?
The only way you can remember the words is to play through the song in your head, sing the other lines, and then when you get to what you forgot in just pops into your head. You know what I’m saying.
That’s how the human brain works. Certain things rely on connections. So if you get caught up in what comes next or what is further down the line in the song you’re going to lose the connection that’s within the moment. Being in that moment, listening to what you’re playing, and listening to what everyone else is playing will keep you on the right path.
That’s not to dismiss the importance of practice. I still believe in practicing a song so much that it becomes second nature to me. I want to be able to play it in my sleep or so that I can have a conversation with someone off stage if something is going wrong with my wireless pack and keep playing the same piece of music without actually thinking about it.
But get out of your own head for a second and get back into the moment. Stop worrying about what comes next and listen to where you’re at.
Oh, you wanna know how to beat that piss shy feeling when you’re wrapped up in that tense moment of non-urination?
Well, when I feel that sensation of piss shy coming on I like to picture the urinal as the face of someone that I truly despise. Then I start thinking to myself, “I’m gonna piss on your god damn face you fucking piece of god damn shit. I fucking can’t stand you and I’m gonna god damn force this down your mother fucking throat you squalid fuck.”
Yeah, I just find a person I really hate and then curse them out and want to pee on them until the piss comes.
True story. Works every time.
