Lizzie Borden’s Revenge is a true horror movie in that it’s absolutely a horrific waste of time. Some people love bad movies just so they can rip on how awful they are and laugh at the acting. These are movies like “Troll 2” and “The Room.” They’re movies that were made with the best of intentions but failed miserably in every aspect.
Lizzie Borden’s Revenge tries to be one of those movies. But it’s not because the film maker tried really hard to make a good movie and failed, it’s because the film maker didn’t know how to make a movie at all so they just attempted to make a bad movie and explain it away like, “oh, it’s supposed to be like that.” No it’s not.
This is like if you have a small child and the kid wants to do something nice for you so they say, “I’m gonna make you some cookies.” But after they say that they realize they have no idea how to make cookies, how to work an oven, or how to buy ingredients. So they just give up, scoop up a bunch of mud in the back yard, slap it on a plate and present it with a “here ya go.”
You can’t tell me these are cookies, kid. I know this is a big ole plate of yard mud. Now go do your homework and come back when you learn something.
The reason why Troll 2 and The Room are so watchable is because it’s obvious that someone was trying to make a movie that they had a belief in but something happened in the chain of events where everything failed miserably: The actors really wanted to be actors but had no talent; the writer really wants to break into movies but writes awful dialogue and unrealistic scenes; the director wants his vision out for people to see but has no clue at how a movie is actually made. You know, the fundamentals of cinema are aborted in the attempt that you’ll just fool everyone somehow. This is all the substance for a train wreck.
When you watch The Room you can’t help but laugh when yet another inexplicable scene pops up where actors are tossing around a football and talking about inane nonsense.
When you watch Troll 2 you can’t believe how disconnected the writing is from how people react in the world. It’s these unintentional mistakes on the part of incompetent people that has somehow made it to the screen which makes the movie enjoyable to sit through.
But when someone makes a movie in an attempt to capture that essence of watchable awfulness it only results in annoyance.
And that’s Lizzie Borden’s Revenge.
I can’t even make a review of this movie because I didn’t watch it all the way through. I couldn’t. I just skipped ahead hoping that Veronica Ricci or Mindy Robinson would take their clothes off again. And if that’s the only reason you want to watch the movie then you can just go download any number of Veronica Ricci’s pornos that are freely available online.
The first indication that this movie was going to be terrible is the very first scene to be shown.
We open up on an exterior shot of a house in 1892. I guess this is supposed to be Lizzy Borden’s house. I don’t know because it’s kind of hard to believe that the house is actually in 1892 when you can clearly see two plastic roadside garbage bins located by what could only be described as an obscured car port.
I had to skip back a bit to make sure. Yep, two blue plastic garbage cans that are only used by those garbage trucks that no longer use garbage men but extendable electric arms.
That scene is followed by the reveal of Lizzy Borden:
Well, at least the casting department did a good job.
Then we have to sit through all of Act 1 which is basically a group of sorority girls (some in their 30s) sitting around in their underwear talking about…I have no idea, I wasn’t paying attention.
Because that’s what guys want to see: girls talking with each other.
Ugh, at this point I just started skipping ahead to see if I accidentally got a porno and not a horror movie.
Nope, no porno here. Just a film with a porn “star” in it that wants to break out into the mainstream with legit work. Kinda missed the mark on that one.
Lizzie Borden’s Revenge isn’t fun, it’s not funny, and it’s quite terrible. I didn’t even mention the god awful use of CGI blood. CGI blood that for some reason moves at a different frame rate as the movie. It’s like blood spatter at 75% the normal speed blood spatter flows. Anyway, avoid this at all costs and you’ll thank me later.
If you want to see something that’s hot just go download a Veronica Ricci lesbian sex romp right here on this thing called the internet. It’s probably a better use of your time.
