I have no scientific evidence to back up my claims here, but I do believe that eating at Firehouse Subs is way better than getting addictive to crack cocaine. And not just for the obvious health benefits. Here’s why:
Back in 2012 I was on a U.S. tour and came across my first Firehouse Subs in Kansas City. It seemed like a nice alternative to all the elegant bullshit that was around my hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice expensive meal every once and a while, but you can’t splurge every single night. And I do love a mean sub shop: Jimmy Johns and Subway are A-Ok in my book. But as far as I’m concerned, Firehouse is the bee’s knees.
So I go to this place and get a “Steamer” which is a number 3 on the menu. AND THAT’S ALL I’VE GOTTEN EVER SINCE.
That one sub was the best sub I’ve ever had in my life, ever, in all of my existence on Earth. I’ve yet to try anything else on the menu. Why would I? How could anything be better than the number 3?
“Medium or large?”
“Large.”
“Mayo and mustard on it?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want chips and a drink?”
“Whas that? Yes.”
“Pickle on the side?”
“YES TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS! LET’S GO!!”
A Firehouse sub is better than crack cocaine because, from what I’ve been told, the first high you get from smoking crack is the best high you’ll ever get on your long career of smoking crack. You’ll never match that initial high. You’ll be chasing that first high for as long as you use crack. Good luck with all that.
But if you eat at Firehouse Subs you’ll get the same awesome experience every time. At least, that’s what I’ve gone through. It doesn’t matter what city I’m in, Kansas City, Pompano Beach, Baton Rouge, it’s all the same. Because it’s not only a chain restaurant that’s technically fast food, it’s a restaurant that figured out how to make fast food ten times more awesome than it already is. Yes, a Big Mac is a Big Mac wherever you go. But a Big Mac is a far cry from a #3 Steamer at Firehouse Subs. Your Big Mac can go fuck itself silly.
And you know what the best thing is about getting a Large sub? It’s two sandwiches. So you finish one half of it and you’re like, “aw, that was good.” But then you look down and there’s a whole other sub waiting for you. It’s like why “Lost” was such an awesome show when it was on. It was an hour long show. So you get through 30 minutes of it and you can say, “well, that was a good episode.” But hang on, there’s 30 MORE minutes coming up for you to enjoy.
Oh, Firehouse. You never let me down. Your pickles are always crunchy and I love you selection of hot sauces that I can add to my meal at my own discretion.
