Make no bones about it, when the Zombie Apocalypse goes down you won’t see it coming. Sure, you might be at the office, look out your window, and what’s that – the dead lumbering down the street? But then what will you have around to protect yourself? A protractor? Well, if you’re at home and the zombies attack the only thing you might have is your bass guitar collection. I, for one, have a collection of guns…so I’m good for a while. However, not everyone packs heat. So if you only have your bass guitar collection then you hopefully have one of these Top 5 Bass Guitars For The Zombie Apocalypse…
So the zombies attacked and you’re all psyched up. You’ve been waiting for this day since you first watched the remake of “Dawn of the Dead.” Now’s your chance to get off some guilt free murder. However, you forgot to stockpile your house with reasonable weapons, i.e. machetes, guns, a weed-eater with blades attached, or an industrial sized pizza cutter.
I’ve dug around the web and I’ve found 5 bass guitars that might be suitable for the Zombie Apocalypse if and when it occurs.
So let’s start off with the worst one.
#5 
The Michael Anthony Jack Daniels Whiskey Bottle Bass.
No, a whiskey bottle won’t get you very far in the zombie apocalypse. In fact, you can probably only use this thing one time. Is it just me or does the neck on that thing look really tiny and flimsy?
As a connoisseur of Jack Daniel’s whiskey, Mike was prompted to build a bass in the shape of a Jack Daniel’s bottle at the urging of friends. The bass was originally built as a novelty item and was assembled from various bass parts including Kramer rear tuners by Michael, Kevin Dugan and Dave Jellison. The pickups were built into the bridge to keep the paint job smooth and consistent. The guitar made its debut appearance in the video for “Panama,” and was delivered during filming of the video at the Spectrum in Philadelphia, PA.
The JD bass was later donated to the Hard Rock Cafe chain, but was such a hit, that Michael decided to build a high quality version. The Jack Daniel’s company offered to assist with the graphics in exchange for Mike’s entry into their hall of fame. This bass was built by Jim O’Connor and the final airbrushed graphics were done by Dan Lawrence of GMW Guitars in Glendora, CA.
Up next we’ve got:
#4 
Yes, the awful Ktone Ak-47 machine gun bass. These instruments are made in China and are known to be very cheap. They go for about 150 bucks on eBay. The only reason you’d use this is to maybe fake out a rival band of marauding thieves who want to cannibalize your group and steal all your supplies. They might be watching you with binoculars in the distance. If they see you from far away with this thing they might think twice about attacking you.
“No, let’s wait for the next group to pass. It looks like that skinny guy has an AK-47. We don’t need that kind of trouble.”
“I don’t know. It looks like that AK-47 might have strings on it.”
You could also use it for firewood.
You know what, just use it for firewood.
#3 
The BassLab L-Bow. This could quite possibly be used in the same way a nerd would use a bat’leth at a ComiCon or in an attempt to impress his study hall love interest. Yes, that Klingon weapon of choice needs a light sabre upgrade to be truly cool.
This bass could get you out of a real jam, folks. Trap a zombie arm or neck in that L-bow configuration and snap it in half.
Use the L-bow deal as a handle to swing the axe with greater precision and impact velocity.
BassLab claims this bass “… is remarkably “time-aligned” and balanced, due in part to the built-in “bow” running parallel to the neck that joins the body to the head. This feature alters the resonance of the instrument, giving a broader low-end response. In fact, all BassLab instruments have a better low-end than conventional instruments, but the L-BOW takes that even further and carries the effect right up the spectrum.”
BassLab also claims: “The composite material is the result of six years of research into modern materials, acoustics, and new construction methods. Called “Tunable Mixed Composite”, it is a unique mixture of resins and other ingredients. The ratio of ingredients can be adjusted, depending on the instrument design and the desired sound. See how the BassLab Composite compares to wood. Carbon fibre is used to add stiffness and to provide electrical shielding throughout the entire body, but the patented BassLab production process is completely different from the standard graphite instrument process.”
Sounds like it would be a pretty sturdy instrument while still being light weight. Perfect for defending off The Horde.
#2 
The Gene Simmons Axe Bass by Cort.
This bass body is made of solid mahogany and sports a Canadian hard maple neck. And even though it has 21 frets (a little shorter than those 24 fret models for extra reach) the neck is a bolt-on. This has one great advantage.
Let’s say you’re swinging away and killing zombies left and right. Eventually you’re axe is going to get worn down and the neck might just snap in half. No problem. Just go get yourself some shitty B.C. Rich bass and slap on another neck. Sure, you might have to modify it a bit but you can make it work.
And just ask the guys in Mythbusters that completely phoned in that episode of “what’s better in a zombie apocalypse: gun vs. axe.” They say the axe in a zombie raid is way more efficient. Because we all know that a simple love tap from an axe will kill a zombie.
Come on, Mythbusters. We’re not stupid. Well, most people are. But I’m not.
And #1 
Ohhhhhh, baby. The Cyan Hatchet 5.
You might’ve seen this bass in the video for Rammstein’s “Seemann.”
First of all it’s a headless bass. That means when you have to swing this thing there’s no headstock to add weight to the bottom – it’s all body weight. And the body is made out of Cherry.
Cherry wood is more stable and resonant than maple. It’s a very sturdy wood.
The neck is wenge with an ebony fingerboard. Beautiful.
What makes this better than the axe? It’s simple…just look at it. It’s basically a double bladed axe. And check out those extra spikey things by the neck!
Not only that but the bass has a high-gloss finish which means getting all that zombie blood, gristle and grime will be a cinch to get off.
So there you have it folks. The Top 5 Bass Guitars that can be used in a Zombie Apocalypse. I hope you have at least one. Collect all 5!!!
